Stay
by natural spring water
Summary: [PostAC][CloudTifa] It should not have hurt so much when he leaves, and it should not have come as such a surprise, but she is broken anyway. A story told in three parts.


**[Disclaimer : **I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters.

**[Summary : **It should not have hurt so much when he leaves, and it should not have come as such a surprise, but she is broken anyway.

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**Stay**

**by natural spring water**

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**I. Want**

She could have stopped him.

But she didn't. She didn't and she regrets every second that she is forced to keep existing in this life with that knowledge. She bites her lip to fight off the whimper that is overtaking her throat. If she lets it win, then surely it is to be followed by tears, and she has had enough of crying. Every tear that escapes her eyes is a tear too much, and she knows that she has to be strong. She is the only one holding up their family now – has always been the only one, but she'd always taken her strength from him, in the fact that he would always be there. But it has never been a fact, always has been wishful thinking, and now he is gone, and she has never felt so lonely in her life.

She hates crying, she thinks even as sobs wrack her entire frame, and she cannot, for the life of her, stop herself from shaking. She hates crying, not so much because it is a sign of weakness, but because she knows it will not bring him back. If it can help, she would have cried a million tears and more, if only it will bring him back to her. She would have done anything, absolutely anything, to have him back by her side.

Marlene and Denzel hear her from their bedroom and she hates herself for worrying them. She hates herself for many things these days – for not being good enough to make him stay, for being a terrible mother to the children, she even hates herself for being unable to sleep through this storm going over Edge tonight. Waking up in the middle of the night is even worse than having to go through the entire day, because in the middle of the night she is reminded more than ever that he is not coming back, because when she wakes up in the middle of the night she keeps hoping that it is all a bad dream, that when she checks his room he will be there, sleeping like the dead because of his absurd work hours, and she can touch him and tell him everything she keeps inside her.

He isn't in his room, of course, and that empty bed is the harsh reality she has to face every night, when she looks in his bedroom.

That doesn't stop her from crawling into his bed and imagining that she is in the safety of his arms. It is the closest thing she has to remember him by, his scent and the thought that he was once here, on this very spot, and she clutches his covers like it is the difference between life and death, weeping helplessly. She knows that soon his scent will be gone from this room, that everything that ever was Cloud Strife will be gone from this house, but never his memory, and never in her heart.

She hates that the kids has to see her in such a state, that every night she interrupts their rest with her regular crying. They are only so young, and she knows that they do not get much sleep either. But she is ever so grateful for everything they do for her; without them, she is certain that she will not have waited the entire storm out. By day, she is the pillar they lean on, but by night, they are the lifeline she holds on to.

They do the same thing tonight, and they had long since learned that they will not find Tifa in her room but in Cloud's, trying to gather the faintest bits and pieces of him left there. They climb into bed with her and keep her close, hating that they have to see the strongest woman they know in such a condition, hating Cloud for making her so, and hating that they didn't do a thing to prevent this sorrow from entering all of their lives. They are afraid for her, afraid that if they let her out of their sight she will disappear into thin air and they will have no one but each other, and that scares them more than anything else. They hate Cloud for not realizing just how fragile she is, and for breaking her in the way that hurt the most.

She finally falls into a fitful sleep, lulled by her own crying, and Denzel and Marlene soon follow. After all, they are only children and these nightly episodes not only leaves them physically tired but also emotionally drained.

The next day she puts up a smile and a brave front for the children, and she knows that they can see right through it, but they still get comfort from this illusion of the old, happy Tifa, and that is all that matters to her. It is her turn to be strong now, and it is shameful that she needs them to be strong for her at all, but they are a family and that is what family does.

Family. One of the many things Cloud refused to be a part of. He'd never said it out loud, of course, but words aren't necessary to see that simple fact. That he left them for whatever it is he left them for only made his estrangement of them in the family picture more evident. He is a coward, she thinks angrily as she scrubs the dishes with renewed fervor. She should have realized from the start that he is nothing more than a coward. She should not have fallen so hard for a man who can do nothing but fail her.

Yet that does not change the truth of the matter – that she has fallen so hard for him that he has become a part of her, that her soul does not feel whole knowing that he is so completely. . . gone. He has been unapproachable for a long time, in spirit and in mind, but with that kind of distance one can always hope that he'd come around someday and realize what is right in front of him. She and Marlene and Denzel, they deserved to be treasured, and _why_ doesn't he see that? But now he is more permanently unreachable – not only in spirit and in mind, but also in miles – and she wants him back so desperately.

She fears for him. So many questions are running through her head, each one connected in some way to him. Where is he now? Is he taking care of himself? Has he encountered any problems? Does he think of them as much as they think of him? Perhaps not.

Why does she have to worry about him so? He is a grown man and still she knows just how frail he could be. She had been tired of having to tread so lightly around him, always having to choose her words carefully, always having to think about her actions. She is saddened that she can never be herself around him, but now there is not even a 'him' to be around anymore.

She hears the loud roar of a motorbike and comes running to the door, not at all surprised when she looks out at an empty street. She knows that it is not him, but still she cannot help but hope, and still she cannot prevent the liquid from pooling in her eyes when she does not see the achingly familiar asymmetry of his blond hair. She grips the doorjamb to keep her balance, wishing for some semblance of stability, but receiving only a heart wrenching disappointment.

She had always thought that theirs was a rift that can be breached, that Cloud was only taking his time trying to put himself back together and that once he was finished with that, he would slowly become the man that the boy she had first fallen in love with could have grown into if not for SOLDIER. She had been so sure, so sure, that he would one day look at them, this unconventional family of his, and finally understand that this is where he belonged. It is heartbreaking to think back on how she had trusted him so much to come through for them and be the best person he could be, heartbreaking to think of that now that his absence hangs like a thundercloud over her head.

She had been so sure that they were making progress, that they were actually getting somewhere, and she blames him for allowing her to hope so hard, and she cannot bring herself to forgive him for so cruelly dashing those same hopes away without a second thought, not now when the wounds he had inflicted are still so fresh. He had been so light-hearted after the defeat of Sephiroth, had almost forgiven himself for sins that aren't really his to carry on his shoulders, but then Geostigma happened and he allowed himself to be brought right back down to hell. But she'd thought that he'd been able to overcome that, that with a little help from their friends and, most importantly, Aeris, he would finally figure that the heavy burden he brought everywhere with him isn't really his to carry. He even called and requested her to close the bar for a day, and she'd acquiesced, and together the four of them spent a day full of laughter and carefree abandon. Granted, it was somewhat awkward, and especially challenging to coax Cloud out of his shell, but Tifa had thought that it was the beginning of something promising; she'd hoped that they were finally on their way to becoming a real family.

In that moment, she wonders for what must've been the billionth time how differently things might have turned out had it not been for the Geostigma. Cloud will not have distanced himself in such a manner, and if he isn't shying away, that could only mean that he is moving closer. Had it not been for the Geostigma, could they have turned into the happy family she'd always wanted them to be?

The answer to that question is ironic and painful and makes her feel wistful as she'd never been before. Yes. Yes, they could have turned into a happy family if the Geostigma hadn't driven him so far away from them. She could have reached him, saved him before it was too late, and they could have worked things out, she and Cloud. She knows that. Cloud had been so eager to start a new life then, and he had promised her. He hadn't known it, but he had promised her something that made her look forward to every day.

'_It all starts now. A new. . . A new life._

'_I'm going to live. I think that's the only way I can be forgiven. All sorts of things. . . happened._

'_But when I think about how many times I've thought about starting a new life, it's funny.'_

'Why?'

'_I've always failed to do it.'_

'And you couldn't smile.'

'_I think it will be alright this time. . . Because you've always been with me.'_

Those were his exact words. She remembers this conversation perfectly, for it is seared into her memory, for it has been the only thing that keeps her going. She'd been so overflowing with happiness at that moment that it was almost painful, but it is now that she feels the real pain, when she thinks of things that could have been and things that are now - him leaving behind a wrecked family to cope with the loss of a member they cannot be complete without. He promised, she thinks as she lets herself cry a little and allows her heart to break just a little more. He promised. Maybe if her heart breaks enough times, she will be immune to the pain he delivers her with such efficiency. He is good at that, if not for anything else. He is good at hurting her, even if he isn't aware of it and even when he isn't around.

She hears Marlene's call from inside and wipes her tears away, hoping they wouldn't notice the redness of her eyes or the rasp in her voice. It is no good to dwell on the past, she tries to convince herself, remembering how she'd always told Cloud the same thing. Because the past is something that you can never, ever change, no matter how hard you try, and all that is left to do is to keep moving forward. There is nothing wrong with mourning things you have lost, however, but she will do her mourning on the inside and keep up a happy façade. She does not want to turn into Cloud, does not want to hurt the people around her like he has, and she will make the best of the life that is given to her in a way that he'd never done.

She could have stopped him, but she didn't, and it is useless to feel regretful of things that are done and things that aren't.

So she turns back inside and smiles – and it is a smile that is sincere and a little freeing, unlike the others in the past three weeks – and she doesn't look back when she hears a motorcycle pass by.

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**[Author's Note : **o.0 OH. MY. GOSH. I cannot believe that I typed this all in one day. This must mean that my writing skills are improving. I mean, I have never ever _ever _written 2ooo-something words from scratch in barely twelve hours. I'm so proud of myself.

Well, if I typed it up so quickly, there's bound to be a downside. There must be some grammatical or spelling errors in there. If you catch any, please let me know. Those irk me to no end. I'm a perfectionist but only when it comes to writing.

And I just want you guys to be aware that even though this story has a plot, it's more focused on character development than anything else. Which is why Cloud's departure is so vague, because I wanted to explore Tifa's feelings rather than be specific about his leaving.

Your thoughts will be greatly appreciated!

Oh, and I don't own that little excerpt from Case of Tifa. Don't kill me, Square Enix!


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